Recorded on May 2, 2023, this is a drowsy afternoon for me. I sit in front of the computer, looking at the repetitive work. I lie on the bed, memorizing words. I have spent the most anxious and boring Labor Day holiday in my life.
I don't have the face to see my family, friends, or teachers. I failed in the spring recruitment. I have been applying for Java development positions since February, but there have been very few interviews. I have done a lot of assessments for big companies, but many processes have been halted, and small companies haven't replied either. Even if I had interviews, I didn't pass them. I don't know what to do. I should just find a job related to development, no matter how much it pays. I think this might be the worst outcome. I have applied to quite a few positions, with a salary range of 3,700 for the smaller companies and 5,000 for the bigger ones. I have applied to about 1/10 of them. I have to say, the response rate from employers is really low. The response rate from websites like Zhaopin and 51job is also extremely low. Along with Lagou and Liepin, I spend almost two hours every day sending out resumes. I have sent out even more through company websites, spending even more time on tests, but there has been no response at all. It's as if my requests have been intercepted. Oh God, you know my weakness, and I am defeated at this moment. I am weak.
Looking at myself without a job, seeing the happy smiles and the sense of freedom in other people's photos from their May Day vacations, I can't feel happy. I even want to go to a place with no one around, just me and the cold wind, with moonlight shining down, casting a lonely silhouette. That's me, the true reflection of myself.
It's as if I'm the only one who has lost the purpose of life, lost direction. Will I lose interest if this continues?
Since February, I have been staying at home, sending out resumes and going to interviews. Around April 18th, I came to the school for my graduation defense. I was supposed to go home right after the defense, but after staying at the school for a week, I realized that this is a good place to "escape". Maybe escaping is more suitable for me. I just feel like a failure at this moment. I have lost all the expectations I had for the four years of college. Maybe I'm being too extreme. That's why I have been staying here, escaping for a whole two weeks, which feels like two years. I have almost forgotten their faces. When I returned home, I felt empty and unfamiliar. I went back to school again. It's as if I'm still a student, reducing the pressure of failure.
Should I apply for positions in other fields besides Java? It would be great if I could get a referral. Go to a small or medium-sized company, but where can I find one? 😭 I want to regain my goals.
I want to regain my goals. Maybe it's a problem with my mindset. The competition in society, in education, in work, makes me think that I must have a job if I send out resumes, and makes me think that if I can't find a job in three months, the world will collapse. Yes, everyone else has already received formal job offers before graduating. I don't have much time left. My opportunities are also decreasing. Perhaps this is the first problem I have encountered after graduation. I am extremely anxious and introverted. It's as if if I receive an offer, I can release some negative emotions and face my family, my life, and myself. I am a person under pressure. Please stay away from me.
Oh God, please save me. Grant me wisdom so that I can study with the wisdom you have given me. Please incorporate your heavenly mission into my plans. My heart is filled with worldly things, anxiety, pessimism, and busyness. I am full of dependence and attachment to this temporary place. I want to prove myself through people and things. Please let me enjoy joy through the peace and assurance in you, Lord, while I am studying. Please have mercy on me and forgive me. Lord, I entrust my work into your hands. I don't know the path of tomorrow, and many things I encounter go against what I expect, but Lord, there is your beautiful will in all of this. Please use me. My own life plans should prioritize your order. Please forgive me. I pray in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, amen!